About two months ago I woke up. Not like the Buddha, who is famous for being awake but like me.
I woke up to the shimmering light of this life. It took being aware that I might die to do this. I still might die. The virus lurks waiting to catch anyone unaware. Where I live people think it is over, it is not over. But I thank the virus, it woke me up.
Prior to Covid-19 I just assumed I would live to 95. I had all the time in the world, now I am not so sure. After being afraid, I took action. I started doing what I had put off. My dreams became vivid and detailed, not frightening but singing to me, telling me what I needed to know about what was below the crust of daily life. I was whatever age and time my soul dictated. I became embodied, the taste of a garden ripe strawberry delighted me. The world shimmered and called to me, its vivid greens and blues, its life breathing below the surface of all things. I became a strand in the fabric, no longer separate, no longer focused on work or money, debts, or plans. It was and is exhilarating.
I miss traveling yes, I miss the plane taking off, the rush of engines and air. I miss the exploration of other places, languages, and people. I have thought of the Uber driver in Antigua and wandering lost with him trying to find my B & B and the jokes we shared. I miss the guy behind me in the coffee shop in Puerto Vallarta, saying, “Why not live here? You can do it.” And I can, just not now.
My attention has turned to other things, the miracle of what is new, the living things around me, the wind in the trees, the color of afternoon light. In this experience there is a generosity. I wish all beings well. I wish humans would stop hurting one another. This is too marvelous a world to miss in attention to petty fear and hatred.
In the midst of this experience I am learning Spanish, writing, and remembering to love those I do love, and remembering all those I have loved who are no longer here. I honor what I desire and no long have any inclination to wait. Who I really am is back with me, no longer focused on tasks, chores, and productivity. This is an exciting place to be.